you typed*:
blog
(Sunday, December 06, 2009-)
+10:58 PM]*
# absence.-
you weren't there.
i wished so much that through the light and into the darkness, i could see your silhouette. i thought maybe you might have heard, and maybe you still cared somewhere within you. i wished i could have seen your smiling face. i know how nervous it would have made me, but i didn't mind it. you loved to hear me sing, why weren't you there.
i hate to reminisce, but peering in from the back tonight just brought back everything i wish i'd forgotten. you were proud of me. you loved me, i could see it in your eyes. the way you took me in your embrace after the show. i dont know why i miss you so much... maybe i just haven't found anyone that made me feel the same way i felt when with you. maybe i just never got any closure.
you bailed, you left, you didn't care.
i was bruised, i was spilled, i was bold.
when will i ever be done with you.
and it ends like this;
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(Thursday, November 19, 2009-)
+4:00 PM]*
# of things that make me laugh-
jokes.
i think the more i think of what i'm doing with my life, the funnier it seems. man, really? all this, just so he won't take it so hard? it feels like there's a monkey sitting on my brain. my judgement calls have become so extraordinarily, excruciatingly warped. ha!
and it ends like this;
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(Friday, November 13, 2009-)
+11:14 AM]*
# music surging, bedroom dance.-
let me spin;
given the whirlwind in my head, perhaps the only way to make sense of this is to spin along with it and hope it'd align itself to my circling world.
crazy, spinning sultry glance - i inhale your presence still.
when you're numb, you're happy - exuberantly, excruciatingly, falsely happy. you laugh because you don't feel anything when the emotions surge your cardiac muscle. it just passes through. even if eyes like the ocean linger in your thoughts, the usual zap decomposes into nothingness. complete, empty, nothingness. and perhaps in this void, you try so hard to grasp onto something tangible, but the most you get is insubstantial air. those you thought who had your back vanish to grant you a vacuum. so you giggle, you laugh; you throw your head back and laugh like you've never laughed before; you laugh till you start to tear, and then it just never seems to stop.
i remember dancing with you.
get me out of this funk;
and it ends like this;
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(Sunday, November 08, 2009-)
+9:40 PM]*
# -
rain, rain on my face.
it hasn't stopped raining for days.
my world is a flood.
soon i'll become the one with the mud.
but if i can't stand after forty days
and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
lift me up so high that i cannot fall
lift me over.
lift me up when i'm falling
lift me up, i'm weak and i'm dying
lift me up, i need you to hold me,
lift me up and keep me from drowning again.
i hate that i still have the energy to hate and grieve for you.
and it ends like this;
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(Tuesday, November 03, 2009-)
+9:30 PM]*
# -
i'm too weak to end it.
too insistent on my way of thinking, on my idealism, but to save myself is to stop everything.
fuck lah, you still call? still in love, you don't say.
these things shouldn't happen - especially not when you're singlehandedly hooking my arm and dragging me along with you. sure, i may be jumping the gun, but augh!
annoyance and failure 101.
my favorite cy would just label me "LOUSY".
and it ends like this;
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(Thursday, October 29, 2009-)
+1:19 PM]*
# and let's say.-
i remembered your post to me, and how happy that made me -
i read it in narita, after spending the 15 hr long flight not understanding why you were the way you were, and then feeling so much better during the second leg of the journey. i dont understand how things got to be so bleak... i still don't. and it frustrates me cause it contradicts everything i thought was going on.
but annalyn is right - aren't i tired of all these trivial crushes and infatuations? why do i still take them so seriously? i think that statement really struck me.
my life is so full of drama, and perhaps i'm used to it already. i recall so vividly the days after david - those tears shed, dreams torn. i thought it would be the end of my love life. then little did i know, time still healed and i still moved on... except to something that seemed to hurt more. i was so angry, so hurt, so tired of screaming and feeling like i was nothing better than a speck of dust on the ground, so tired of being shot at with flaming arrows that by december i was just pissed off. no i didn't love him any less; i probably loved him ten times more if that was even possible. but i was so sick of feeling worthless and i needed my self esteem back. yet i never got over it, i don't think. i don't believe there'll be a day that i'd have stopped loving him... but also never a day that i won't think back on the times we were together, and shrivel up and die on the inside.
ever since, i don't think i've ever allowed myself to be that in love again. new zealand blew up in my face, that i know. but other than that, i think i built this defence that prompts me to run the moment i see a potential to get hurt. somehow or another, though, i still do! because i'm emo and sentimental shit, and i don't know how to love less... or until proven deserved.
and so i sit here in the middle of the night, having done absolutely nothing today, a riesling in my hand, and juxtaposing everything. what's hurting me now? something that pales into comparison to everything else i've had to go through. i didn't even love him, so i shouldn't be fussing about how things exploded. and if i think that j is different, why not hold out just to see if he's worth loving? it's been so long since i had dependable, mind-blowing relations, and i know i function the best in those. those trivial, stupid infatuations should not be allowed to affect me this much anymore.
i'm done.
and it ends like this;
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(Tuesday, October 27, 2009-)
+9:21 PM]*
# big brown eyes can hypnotize-
intrigues me with every move
till i'm breathless, i'm helpless,
can't keep my cool.
steals my heart when he takes my hand
and we dance to the rhythm of the band
feel his fingertips grip my hips
and i slip as we dip into a state of bliss.
should i risk it? can't resist it -
this has caught me by surprise.
and it ends like this;
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